Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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