Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
