Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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