God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize