dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
