I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
