How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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