This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
