Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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