he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
