I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We left an ass print on the piano.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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