I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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