After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
