nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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