3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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