i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
