Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
