I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
