Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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