The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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