oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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