he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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