It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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