I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
