Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
