There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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