im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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