What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
