you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
