it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
its not stalking. its research.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
