Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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