My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
