I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
