dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
