turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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