My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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