Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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