I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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