the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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