I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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