I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
