Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
