WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
