I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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