Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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