he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
