How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
