mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
