You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize