Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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