so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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