i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
