I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
