I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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