I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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