her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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