i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
