If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
