im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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