I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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