We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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