I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
