i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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