3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize