I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
