Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
