I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
