I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
