It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
