My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I stole a fireplace last night.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
