i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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