Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
