I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
